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A friend in my life recently told me how much she admired my ability to discern what's meant for me and what's not meant for me. She said she admired how good I was at saying no, thank you.
But that's not actually what she said. What she said was this:
I like how exclusive you are. Not gonna lie, that send me down a bit of a shame spiral, because there's a story there—and it got triggered. Hard. See I grew up loved, yes, but I was also told repeatedly that I had a tendency to be mean, vicious,
ruthless and unkind. I was told time and time and again how I would cut people out of my life. And I believed it. For most of my life. I believed I could do harm to those I loved—so I had to be very careful with myself, lest I hurt someone. I believed it so much, I would burst into tears when someone—my beloved, one of my children, friends, clients or colleagues—would call me kind. I believed it so much, I didn't take in the comments people made about how it felt to be with me—that they felt like they could tell me anything, that I
created safety for them, that they felt loved and seen by me. I started to save them in a "Lael Love" note in my phone as proof.It's like I had this shameful secret I carried in me—and that my willingness to set a boundary, remove myself from toxic or abusive situations, or call out disrespectful or violating behaviors would come at a VERY high cost.My people or my truth. Belonging or my health and wellbeing. Being loved or being in integrity. I was told to be nice, make sure people were comfortable and don't make waves. But
for the life of me, I couldn't seem to choose any other path forward except to honor my truth, my well-being, and my integrity. So I moved away from relatives when my body told me it wasn't safe to be with them. I spoke up about what I was seeing when something didn't feel right—or fair or healthy. I chose to believe my truth even when I was shamed and shunned and silenced. As a result, I lived most of my life with these stories people told me about myself. I never questioned the truth of them. Until my mid-40s (and perimenopause, when women start to reach for their truth and power they'd abandoned...) when a wonderful therapist asked me to "scan for evidence" to verify those beliefs I had about myself. What I learned was liberating—and also heartbreaking. Those phrases—mean, viscous, ruthless, unkind—had only ever come from my family of origin. No one else had
used them with me. I had found the source of my shame—and that was a brutal realization. No one else currently in my life used those words to describe me. In fact, I heard the opposite. So when my friend admired me the other day for the very skill I had carried for most of my life with shame, I thought of you. And decided I would be a courageous and generous thing to tell my story—just in case you relate. Women are told everyday in countless different ways to be nice, get over it, move on, and not make such a big deal about things. And above all—we're told to make sure everyone is comfortable. Um, no. Where has that gotten us? There is one stanza from a poem that has guided me like a north star all these years—especially on the dark nights. It's from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem The Invitation.It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. I want to know if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. The first time I read that I was like, wait...WHAT? What did that even mean? I had to read it multiple times to let it sink in...and still it seemed...incomprehensible.All I knew is that I wanted that—I wanted to say YES to that invitation. And today, whenever I pull that stanza out and read it aloud to a client I'm working with, she immediately tears up because it touches something close to the bone in her. I have gotten late night texts on multiple occasions from clients, asking "what was that stanza again, Lael?" We remember—and we forget. And then we remember again. Together. (interesting to note: I featured this same quote in my July subscriber email about the need not to betray ourselves right now—and how hard it was to resist that urge...) I thought of this stanza again when I was listening to Taylor Swift's epic podcast interview recently when she shared how she was able to be so public and prominent on her ERAS tour, and also not lose or betray herself in the process. She said: "You've got to treat your energy like a luxury item—not everybody can afford it."
Most recently I thought about it when I decided to do an invitation-only event to launch the first flight of this keynote I'd been working on for over nine months (yes, the significance of that gestation period is not lost on me...) By hand-selecting twenty of my clients, friends and colleagues with a great deal of intention, was I being mean? What if someone I
cared about found out I was having it and wasn't invited? Was I willing to stand in those stories about me—or would I betray what I knew to do that felt right? These are those moments—those choice points. Perhaps you know them.
- When you design around other people's needs before considering your own
- When you allow everyone to have access to you because you don't want to disappoint
- When you say SURE! to something even when your insides are saying, NO thank you
I did what Brene Brown talks about: I chose courage over comfort. And everyone said yes because they knew the risk I was taking—and felt honored to be chosen by me to witness my first flight (and catch me if i fell or faltered) It's intimacy.
That is the gift of intimacy we can give and receive. And if it's called exclusive, so be it.
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I had a bit of a new conversation with myself, thanks to my friend complimenting me on my strategy of exclusivity.
I guess you could say I assumed a deeper lever of ownership in my decisions on how I Lael.
I cleaned up my language a bit for this next season of my life—as I spread my wings even wider and put myself out there as a keynote speaker on bigger stages (scroll down to the bottom to see where I'll be speaking...).
I'm clear(er) now:
I'm not mean, nor do I cut people out of my life.
I'm deciding who gets access to me and investing in them deeply.
I'm not ruthless or even exclusive.
I believe intimacy is a gift that is both given and earned—with clear eyes and an open heart.
I don't do harm, I serve.
But not everybody is available to recognize or receive that—and frankly, that often says more about them than it does about me.
So I celebrate you—and me—and this container in here.
The safety. The love. The brutal honesty that's shared.
Thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you in here today—because that is not a story I have ever shared. It's a fresh tell, but it's time because I suspect I'm not alone in it. It's an epidemic. So, if it helps you feel less alone and a bit more
emboldened to honor yourself in these gale force winds. I'd LOVE if you'd hit reply and let me know that's the case...seriously...I adore your email responses.
These are hard times—and these are exhausting times to navigate even on the best of days.
So I am honored to be invited into your inbox for as long as you'll have me.
That's why I am so thrilled to gather members of my community together this season for three events beyond my maiden voyage launch next Thursday. Scroll down for those events and how to get tickets below. I hope to see you there.
In the meantime, I wish you all the best as we find ourselves in the dark of this new moon in September. Know that you are not alone over there—I'll keep a candle lit for us in here.
Mwah.
Lael
PS: With four keynotes coming up, I am limiting the number of new clients I'm talking on for this fall, so if you have had the urge or inclination to work 1:1 with me, please reach out to me sooner than later so we can see if we're meant to do some work together this season. Schedule a single session with me and we'll both know if it feels right.
PSS+ If you're hungry for more of my favorite resources, head on over to the Community Garden I set up for my subscribers. It's free to use and all ours, with loads of things to watch, listen to, read, and play with. All of my favorite things in one place.
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Thursday, October 23 at CoworkHERS
Heather Ashby, found of the amazing women's co-working space here in Portland, Maine will be hosting me for my first official public event where I'll be sharing my new keynote, "A Call to Revolution". If you're familiar with my storytelling event, SheSpeaks, and have missed gathering in that spirit–this event is for you. If you're tired of fighting for change when so many things feel broken, than this one's for you. I will do my damndest to bring my spark to your fire. Tickets are limited and going fast, so if you're thinking of going, I'd get 'em now! Also, Heather will enter every ticket sold into a raffle for a free 3 month membership to CoworkHERS!
Buy Tickets on Eventbrite
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Saturday, November 8 Founder's Hall in Yarmouth, ME
I'm so honored to be the keynote speaker at Susanna Liller's (of weHeroines) In Her Words conference designed to support women in giving voice to their stories. We'll be coming at storytelling from all different angles—why it matters, what it is, how to do it, where it lives within us, why women's stories matters more than ever. And the coolest thing is women attending this conference will have the space to craft their own story and potentially share it from the stage that day. Buy Tickets to the conference here.
Thursday, December 11 at Alter in Chicago, IL
I'm will be one of three women delivering their keynotes at a day-long open house at this incredible women's community in Chicago. Kathy Bresler, has created an incredible space for makers, changers and seekers and describes these open houses as sanctuaries for women leaders that are like "bring your soul to work" days. Many of my Chicago area clients will be attending as well as some of my out-of-state clients who are flying out to make an event of it with their friends. Learn more about Alter and their events here.
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